Please stop calling

From the time I was in middle school, we started having lessons in science class about the dangers of drug use. We learned about the dangers of marijuana, pills and LSD. Class time was spent discussing how to avoid contact with drug dealers especially ones who offered them free since this was a trick to get us hooked.

I took these lessons to heart and was on the lookout for pushers at the bus stop and local park. However, no one ever approached me. I don’t know if I was shielded by a dork ring or if there were just better targets or if strangers pushing drugs to kids on the street was a much more rare occurrence than presented in class, but as a teen I somehow avoided contact with drug dealers.


I guess that’s why I’m so surprised that more than forty years later, I’ve been targeted by a new breed of drug dealer. I haven’t been approached on the streets, but they are calling my cell phone.

Jane (woman who called my number): I’m calling from X Company (I really wasn’t listening as she started her spiel.) We can have your medications delivered to your home. What prescription medications do you currently take?

Me: I don’t use drugs.

Jane: What prescription medications do you take?

Me: I don’t use drugs.

Jane: I’m talking about prescribed meds like Xanax or Prozac.

Me: I don’t think you understand, I don’t take drugs.

Jane: We can have your Xanax delivered directly to your house. Give me your address and insurance information so we can send it out right away.

Me: You don’t seem to understand. I don’t take Prozac or Xanax¬†or any other drugs.

Jane: You don’t understand…

Me: (interrupting) No, you don’t understand. I don’t use ANY drugs and the only thing I’m going to tell you is to NEVER call this number again. Do you understand?

Silence. Jane hung up sometime during my rant.

Those lessons about drug dealers from the ’70s had it all wrong. It’s not a stranger on the street trying to get me hooked on drugs. It’s a corporation (I really wish I’d listened to the first part more carefully.) and I won’t even have to pay for the crazy meds since they’re in cahoots with the insurance company.

Hope Jane, my drug dealer, doesn’t call again.